by peachesness

Merry Christmas

Is optimism a virtue? Life is obviously upsetting, at least through my eyes. I believe pessimism is to see life as it really is – dreary and lacking the necessary hope for continuance. Does that make optimism strength or weakness? You may think of it as strength in enduring and making life more hopeful, even with the knowledge that the greater your hopes the greater your disappointments. Or, it is a weakness, in that you are escaping the realities of life, that you cannot accept the truth. If optimism is a virtue, then pessimism is a vice. If pessimism is truth, then truth is a vice. I believe the right way to look at this is, if you can be optimistic while understanding it is just an illusion. Therefore, you acknowledge truth, but not as the greatest importance in life. Truth is secondary to fulfillment. However, it is difficult to see how one can be consciously optimistic. You are aware that you are telling yourself a life. I cannot see how that makes one feel better. I’ve been told that those who see the goodness in people are not weak, but strong, for they already know the evil of man but choose to see his goodness instead. I can’t say I know true pain, but I can at least say I have a sense of it, and its potential. How I fear that potential. How I fear what pain may drive to do. But I never focus of happiness and its potential. Happiness is strange in that, when you cannot consciously achieve it. The feeling that you are chasing happiness is upsetting. But awareness of pain and misery worsens pain and misery. The feeling that you wallow in negativity drags you down deeper.

Amy texted me this morning. I wasn’t surprised. I don’t like that she feels she can text me whenever she pleases without consequences. Well, I responded, and she did not. And now, after about a week of not writing, I write. Because she creates in me such confusion and disappointment. I try, but that shouldn’t be my job. And now she’s on my mind again. She’s winning at this game. She is.

Well, merry fucking christmas.